It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
