You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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