Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
