i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
