oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
