i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
