he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
