Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
