I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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