Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
