just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
