Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
