ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
