why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
