Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
