Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
