it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
