those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
