My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
