Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
