I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
