a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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