I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
