3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
