I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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