Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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