im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
