Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
