I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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