My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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