Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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