I can text with my tongue
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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