fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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