You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
