We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
