i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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