Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
