I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
