Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
