Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
