I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
