Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
