so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
