Where did you get a picture of my penis
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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