Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
