Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Come on in and take your pants off
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