He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
