You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
