I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I need a beard to bite.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
