If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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